What to do?

February 13^th, 2012

Dear Parker,

Baby, you are kind of killing me.  I don’t know what to do about your screaming and crying and reaching and trying-to-escape from your teacher’s arms in the morning thing.  I know you aren’t unhappy at school.  You never want to leave.  You tell me that you have fun during the day.  Your teacher says you calm down relatively quickly (but that it helps if she lets you get your cloth.)  And, it’s not just school.  You did the same thing when Mom took you home form the basketball game the other day.  You started to throw a giant fit when I said I was going to drive the car and Nancy was going to sit in the backseat with you instead of me.  It’s all the same fit.  I just don’t know how to fix it.  Everyone says that we need to talk about what’s going to happen during the day and when I will pick you up and what fun things you are going to do at school – but we already do that.  You know exactly why and when you go to school.  You are just having horrible separation anxiety from me right now and it’s pretty horrible.  I don’t know what to do.  This is our busiest time of year, but I am doing my very best to spend tons of time with you.  I don’t even have any rehearsal this year and you are even more of a mess than you have been in the past.  I just feel so lost and don’t know what to do. 

I love you more than anything and I’m so sorry that you get so sad whenever we aren’t together.  I miss you, too, but I know that I will always see you soon.

We will get through this, little girl.

I love you.

Mommy

Some awfulness

Friday, February 10^th, 2012

Dear Parker,

Today I am feeling like a terrible Mommy.  It all started last night.  We had pep band, so we were at University.  The games were running behind because of some overtime, so the Varsity game didn’t start until around 8:00, already 30 minutes past your bedtime.  We hemmed and hawed about when/if to send you home.  You started to get quite tired during the 2^nd quarter and by halftime you were toast, so we sent you home with Mom.  You were not leaving without a fight though.  You cried all the way out, reaching out to me with your scrunched up crying face begging for “one more hug.”  I hate that.  SO much.  It makes me feel like I am sending you away forever.  Apparently you screamed and cried almost the entire way home.  I called on my way home and you had calmed down, but were not yet asleep.  You were holding out until I got home.  So, I rushed in to see you and you fell asleep almost instantly.  But, that was still 10:00 at night.

You were so tired this morning and, of course, we were running late because I needed to get gas and it was trash day and I had to get extra things around for you and a myriad of other reasons.  Plus, tonight Mom and I had scheduled time with friends.  You are supposed to go with Nancy to the game and then we will meet you at home.  I’m feeling horrible about it. You had a terrible drop-off at school (more screaming and “one more hug”-ing)  I want to give you all the time you need with me, but I also need time out as a grown-up.  It’s terrible timing.   I didn’t know a week ago that it would be so terrible.  I just hope you know when I leave you at school (or anywhere) that I love you more than anything else in the entire world and that I will always, always, always come back.  I will spend every second with you this weekend.

You are the most amazing little girl in the entire world.  I love you so much.

Love,

Mommy

Ballet

Dear Parker,

Last night  I, begrudgingly, took you to your first dance class.  You were pretty excited (and also very cute.)  I had no idea what to expect, but I think you did reasonably well.  You’ve only ever had dance in the lobby of your old school, so I don’t even think that really counts.  You didn’t have any idea what some of the stuff was and were pretty distracted by all the things and people (including me) in the room.  I think you may do better if Mom takes you, but I’m sure we will take turns.  I’m proud of you for doing part of the class by yourself.  The other girls have been taking dance for over a year and you tend to be really clingy so I was glad that even though I had to be with you during the ballet part, you ventured out on your own to do the tap part.  I hope that next week you can do more/all of it by yourself.  I mean, I am in the room – just not right next to you! J 

I love you more than anything.  This is a rough week, we have many things to do and I know that leaves you with not enough sleep and pretty cranky, but I’m proud of you for pushing through.  Keep pushing.  Only 3 more days to go!

I love you,

Mommy

Mish-Mash

Monday, February 6^th

Dear Parker,

This is a mish mash post because there are some random things I want to get down before I forget them.  First (and then working backwards) is that I felt so terrible this morning.  You have always had tearful drop-offs.  But this morning was awful.  You started crying before we even left the house.  You were just so sad and kept asking to stay home with me.

Then when we got in the car you kept crying and asked to go back to your old school.  That about ripped my heart out.  I know that it was not the best place for you, and that you really don’t want to go back, but hearing you beg me for it did not do good things for me emotionally.  I am praying that you calmed down and had a good day.  We have ballet tonight for the first time.  I’m nervous that you are going to be really shy, but I’m hopeful that you will have a fabulous time.  You were so excited when we got the tap and ballet shoes this weekend.  (To tell the truth, I’m a little nervous because I don’t know what to expect and I want you to have a really fun time!)

(Here’s the mish-mash part).  Last night we went to a Super Bowl party at Baby Avery’s house.  You love her so much.  You really just love babies so much.  You wanted to hold her and play with her.  You also really loved playing with the 7 year old boy.  A little too much for my liking.  You do NOT need to be flirty at 3 years old, little girl.  I’m just laying down the line right here and now.  For the record.

Before we went to Baby Avery’s I was trying to update our photo albums and you wanted to look at the pictures of you when you were little.  We were all looking and Mom said, “OH!  You were so little!” To which you responded, “that’s how we grow, Mom.”  Ah, yes.

We went shopping Saturday (for your dance shoes) as well as to get some clothes for Mommy and Mom.  At your request, we went into your section.  You loved looking at the clothes.  You kept saying that we should get a baby so that we could buy some of them.  (If only it were that simple, love.  And, by the way, I’m sorry.)  You also loved pulling the off the rack, holding them up to my leg and saying “too small” then putting them back on the rack.

You have moments when you are so grown up and then there are moments when you are crying and your little face looks just like it did 3 years ago.  I’m sorry that you feel sad sometimes, baby.  I really wish I could take away all your sadness, but I think that is part of growing up and becoming a good person.  You have to feel sad sometimes and that will make the good times feel even better.  But, for the record, you don’t have to be sad about going to school. 

I love you so much, Parker.  Let’s have fun at ballet tonight, okay?

Love,

Mommy

Big Changes

Wednesday, February 1st

Dear Parker,

Well, the past couple of weeks surely have been interesting.  You have had a rough time at school for most of the year.  In the beginning, you had issues with your teacher.  Then you got a new teacher and things were better. Then, things started to change in the building.  Things got more chaotic feeling, there were often more kids than there should be at any given time (or I suppose fewer adults than there should be).  The kids weren’t being monitored as well during unstructured school time.  And, non-school time was unstructured.  You are a girl who needs her structure. 

We have applied to Orchard for next year, but we don’t know that you will get in or that we will get the money we need to send you there.  So, we knew we had to be looking at other options.  I did some calling around and your Mom and I went to take a tour at a school down the road early last week.  We were pretty happy with what we saw, so we decided to take you in for a visit on Friday.  Thursday when I picked you up, you were so unhappy that you started to cry the minute I walked in the door.  No one could really explain this, so we talked some on the way home.  I asked if you were happy at school, to which you replied, “no.”  I asked if you wanted to look at a different school, to which you asked if you would have to go back to your old school.  I answered your question with a question, “Do you want to?”  And, your telling answer was, “No.”  I stopped feeling guilty about even thinking about moving you in the middle of the year.

You and I went on Friday.  I stayed for about 90 minutes.  You were having such a good time and asked to stay through nap.  That clinched the deal.  So, we signed up and you started you started Monday.  Although we have had some tears in the morning, you seemed to have a really good time during the day.  I think that it is a much better atmosphere than you were in before.

I hope that you get into Orchard (and that we get enough money to afford it) but if not, I think you will be okay here for a little while.

Love,

Mommy